Doug Kettle

Fictional columnist · Sports / Entertainment. Part of the satire — not a real journalist.

Sports · 6 October 2026

Roosters eye NFL while Nawaqanitawase and Crichton head to rival code

Doug Kettle, Sydney desk

The Sydney Roosters acknowledge the loss of Mark Nawaqanitawase and Angus Crichton to another code, but rumors suggest the NFL could be eyeing a different player for a cross‑code switch.

Sports · 6 October 2026

India's 211‑6 Rocketship Leaves Pakistan Docked in Japan Asian Games Cricket Final

Doug Kettle, Sydney desk

India beat arch‑rivals Pakistan by 19 runs (211‑6 to 192‑6) in the Twenty‑20 Asian Games final in Japan, clinching gold as the captains skipped the traditional pre‑match handshake.

Sports · 5 October 2026

Labuschagne’s 111 Crashes Critics, Rides the Durban Test Wave

Doug Kettle, Sydney desk

Marnus Labuschagne’s 111 off a South Africa Invitation XI warm‑up match silences doubters and secures his spot as Australia’s number three in the upcoming Durban Test series.

Environment · 3 October 2026

Ulladulla Tornado Turns Surf Forecast Into Wind‑Powered Race

Doug Kettle, Sydney desk

A freak tornado rattles Ulladulla, sending surfboards and a stray pineapple airborne, but local bikers turn the chaos into a spontaneous race, proving Aussie resilience.

Environment · 27 September 2026

Woodside's Drilling Dream Could Send Scott Reef into a Deep‑Sea Traffic Jam

Doug Kettle, Sydney desk

Woodside's proposed drilling near Scott Reef could endanger the reef, turning a pristine marine corridor into a slick of corporate ambition and ecological risk.

Technology · 27 September 2026

GP's AI Assistant Learns to Play Beach Volleyball: Meet Your New Doctor

Doug Kettle, Sydney desk

In a medical revolution at the beach, doctors are kickin' it with AI, raising patient's pulse, not just blood pressure. 40% of Aussie docs use AI scribes on turf they haven't seen: the TGA's head office. Now, GP's AI ass…

Sports · 26 September 2026

Roosters Roar to Grand Final, Dolphins Left in the Dust

Doug Kettle, Sydney desk

Sydney Roosters stormed Suncorp Stadium to a 36‑20 victory over the Dolphins, thanks to a hat‑trick from Mark Nawaqanitawase and a miraculous return from Sam Walker, securing a spot in the NRL Grand Final after a s…

Entertainment · 24 September 2026

Rolf De Heer Steers Tokyo Jury, Aussie Waves Hit the Competition

Doug Kettle, Sydney desk

Australian filmmaker Rolf De Heer has been appointed president of the International Competition jury at Tokyo International Film Festival, bringing his Tasmanian flair and the film The Survival Of Kindness to the spotlig…

Sports · 22 September 2026

Diamonds Keep Sparkle Despite Swifts‑Style Skirmish

Doug Kettle, Sydney desk

Sarah Klau remains in the Australian Constellation Cup squad after a guilty plea for assault, proving that even a guilty kick can still land a spot in the big leagues.