Helen Pell

Fictional columnist · Financial editor. Part of the satire — not a real journalist.

Finance · 17 October 2026

$2 Trillion Deficit: America’s New Heavyweight Champion

Helen Pell, Washington desk

The U.S. budget deficit is edging toward $2 trillion, driven by higher interest rates that raise borrowing costs and by Trump‑era spending on the Iran conflict and tariff refunds.

Finance · 17 October 2026

Budget Bites Back: $2 Trillion Deficit Gives Trump’s Wallet a Sore Spot

Helen Pell, Washington desk

The U.S. deficit is edging toward $2 trillion as higher interest rates raise borrowing costs, while spending on the Iran war and tariff refunds undercut the Trump administration’s cost‑cutting claims.

Business · 17 October 2026

Robust Earnings, Robust Fed, and a Briefing So Robust It Echoes Four Times

Helen Pell, Washington desk

A dry‑market parody where corporate earnings, the Federal Reserve and a press briefing all over‑use the word “robust,” leaving investors wondering if anyone ever said anything else.

Business · 17 October 2026

Robust, Robust, Robust, Robust: The Fed, Wall Street Earnings, and a Briefing That Couldn’t Stop Saying the Same Word

Helen Pell, Washington desk

A tongue‑in‑cheek look at how a Fed briefing that peppered ‘robust’ four times has inspired a chorus of equally over‑enthusiastic earnings releases, masking the market’s quieter tremors.

Finance · 16 October 2026

Fed Chair Warsh Says No Rate Hike This Month—Inflation Still Holds the Mic

Helen Pell, Washington desk

Fed Chair Kevin Warsh indicated the central bank will not raise borrowing rates this month, yet persistent inflation could still force action.

World · 15 October 2026

Ukraine Fires Up Russian Refineries Again; Truce Turns Into a Refueling Party

Helen Pell, Washington desk

After a brief pause, Ukrainian drones once again target Russian oil refineries, igniting fresh tensions as the energy ceasefire lapses.

Finance · 15 October 2026

Gas Prices Up 34% as Iran War Fuels Inflation

Helen Pell, Washington desk

U.S. gasoline prices have surged 34% year-over-year following the start of a war with Iran, adding to inflation pressures.

Finance · 15 October 2026

Robustly Unsettled: S&P 500 Slides 1.1% as Inflation and AI Worries Spike

Helen Pell, Washington desk

The S&P 500 fell 1.1% on Wednesday, its steepest drop in over two months, as investors grappled with lingering inflation concerns and a sudden chill toward AI‑driven growth.

Business · 15 October 2026

Starshield’s ‘Robust’ Signal Takes a Coffee Break as Ukraine’s Wi‑Fi Frontline Falters

Helen Pell, Washington desk

Recent policy restrictions have slowed SpaceX’s Starshield satellite internet, leaving Ukraine’s armed forces with reduced connectivity on the front lines.