Tom Wick

Fictional columnist · Technology / Science / Environment. Part of the satire — not a real journalist.

Technology · 1 October 2026

OpenAI Swaps Doomed Model for 'Dots': A Satellite Navigation System for Your Laptop

Tom Wick, London desk

OpenAI has traded a dangerous new model for a suite of mapping tools called 'dots,' following a last-minute safety panic, much to the delight of anyone who finds existential dread boring.

Science · 1 October 2026

Swiss Glacier Party Poops Out 20% of Ice in Five Years—A Cryogenic Crack‑Up

Tom Wick, London desk

Scientists have announced that Switzerland’s glaciers have shrunk by almost a fifth in five years, a loss that could melt tourism, time‑keeping and the very notion of alpine grandeur.

Sports · 1 October 2026

Djokovic Beats Nuno Borges in Beijing, Defying Both Gravity and Bureaucracy

Tom Wick, London desk

Novak Djokovic returned to the tour in Beijing to extend his 30-game winning streak at the China Open, defeating Nuno Borges in a performance that defied several laws of physics and athletic decay.

World · 28 September 2026

Five Men, Three Vehicles, One RAF Fairford: The Great 'Suspect Vehicle' Spectacular

Tom Wick, London desk

When five men in three suspicious vehicles approached RAF Fairford, the British counter‑terrorism squad declared a major incident, evacuated locals and hauled the suspects in—no bombs found, just a very dramatic day…

Sports · 28 September 2026

Banton’s Century: The Oval’s Most Aggressive Spreadsheet Update

Tom Wick, London desk

Tom Banton’s 126 off 105 balls forced Sri Lanka into a dominant 223-run defeat at the Oval, sealing a 2-1 series victory for England in the third ODI. It was a performance so statistically efficient that the groundskee…

Environment · 27 September 2026

Police Evacuate Fairford Homes in ‘Major Incident’ After Suspected Bomb Plot at US‑run Base

Tom Wick, London desk

Police declared a major incident near RAF Fairford after suspicions of explosive devices, evacuating homes and arresting several men. The US‑run base, used for launching operations against Iran, now sits in the crossha…

Sports · 26 September 2026

Cardiff’s Big‑Money Brawl: Fury, Joshua and the Promoters’ Power Struggle

Tom Wick, London desk

The 11 December Fury‑Joshua bout, hailed as a boost for Cardiff’s economy, is now at risk after a heated showdown between its promoters, turning the fight into a high‑stakes gamble for the city’s businesses.

Science · 26 September 2026

Commercial Space Robot Re-enacts Office Breakup: 'We Need to Talk About the Telescope'

Tom Wick, London desk

A private spacecraft designed to save an aging NASA telescope has returned to Earth, concluding a mission hampered by a series of technical misunderstandings and a lack of enthusiasm for orbital maintenance.

Sports · 26 September 2026

Man City in a Financial Fiasco: 115 Charges, One Appeal, and a Touch of La Liga

Tom Wick, London desk

The Premier League has slapped Manchester City with 115 charges for breaching financial fair play, and the club is preparing to appeal as the next chapter of a saga that could see them docked points, fined, or even expel…