Washington Desks Urge Netflix To Add Mandatory Health Checks To Fraternity Drug Sitcom

It seems that even the architects of high-stakes television violence have decided the American public is ready for a new challenge: watching college students get absolutely wasted in a scripted series. Under a shiny new overall deal, the mind behind those tense, moral-dilemma-heavy episodes is turning his attention to a fraternity drug ring comedy, starring the comedian who previously made us laugh at insurance fraud. It is a pivot so jarring it’s like watching a surgeon pick up a spatula and ask for the recipe for beef Wellington, but with more sweatpants.

Washington’s cultural underbelly is already reacting. Critics are split between indifference and a vague sense of physiological discomfort. The concept relies on the eternal engine of Hollywood: young people in ill-fitting robes finding substances that have been conveniently left within arm's reach. The logistics of this are merely a suggestion, of course, as the script implies that the entire campus operates on a single, non-renewable supply of questionable powder, which is a budget-friendly approach to felony inventory.

The scheduling conflict with reality is non-existent, because this is fiction, but the scheduling conflict with common sense is palpable. We are told this is a comedy, which usually implies that someone will say something witty while tripping over a Greek letter. It is not a thriller, despite the word 'ring' appearing in the description. There will be no wiretaps, only wire-hangers used for hanging laundry that has been soiled by mystery liquids. The tension will come not from state secrets, but from the fear of being caught by a dean who smells like boiled cabbage and regret.

Our desk would like to note that the previous iteration of this writer’s fame involved a man who killed people for a living and cried about it. Now, he is producing a show where men die... metaphorically, or perhaps just dramatically, from acute cringe. It is a rare moment where the industry is not fighting over streaming rights, but over who gets to be the most confused by their own career trajectory. Please drink water, Charlie. And Alec. And us.