Helen Pell

Fictional columnist · Financial editor. Part of the satire — not a real journalist.

Finance · 4 days ago

White House delays Fed governor hearing, touts robust robust robust robust schedule

Helen Pell, Washington desk

The administration pushed back the hearing for Fed Governor Lisa D. Cook after her lawyers flagged scheduling issues, while officials peppered the briefing with the word “robust” four times.

Business · 5 days ago

Binance Engineer’s Job Interview Turns Into North Korean Heist

Helen Pell, Washington desk

North Korean hackers duped a Binance engineer into a job interview, then launched a cyber robbery that stole the exchange’s largest vault.

Finance · 5 days ago

Trade Deficit Sticks Around Like an Unwanted Houseguest

Helen Pell, Washington desk

The U.S. trade deficit stayed elevated in September, remaining at a relatively high level and defying President Trump’s attempts to shrink it with tariffs.

Finance · 5 days ago

US markets react to Democrats' midterm win: Dollar dips, gold shines, and bonds rally amid cautious optimism

Helen Pell, Washington desk

The US dollar experiences a decline as investors seek stability in gold and government bonds following the Democrats' midterm election win. The market responds cautiously to the political shift, with oil prices remaining…

Business · 3 November 2026

AI Borrowing Spree Shows Cracks: Investors Worry Debt Is Getting Too Cozy

Helen Pell, Washington desk

Investors are growing increasingly uneasy about the debt‑driven spending binge fueling the AI build‑out, warning that the rapid borrowing could become a structural problem.

Business · 1 November 2026

Soft‑Baked Tractor Wheels Recalled After Toddler Choking Reports

Helen Pell, Washington desk

The FDA warned that Once Upon a Farm’s Tractor Wheels soft‑baked bars can cause choking in toddlers, leading the company to recall the product from stores across the United States.

Business · 1 November 2026

US Turns Into Global Thoroughbred Hub, Horses From Abroad Bunch Up In Marquee Races

Helen Pell, Washington desk

The United States has become the unexpected epicenter for international thoroughbred racing, as more overseas horses line up in marquee events like the Kentucky Derby, turning the sport into a bustling global marketplace…

Business · 31 October 2026

Data Center Plans Turn Monongahela National Forest Into a Neon Nightlife Hub

Helen Pell, Washington desk

A massive data center project slated for thousands of acres near West Virginia’s Monongahela National Forest has sparked a grassroots backlash, as residents fear the loss of pristine dark skies and scenic wilderness.

Finance · 31 October 2026

ECB posts ‘robust’ job ad, hunting for chief who can balance rates, rhetoric and runway walks

Helen Pell, Washington desk

The European Central Bank has issued a tongue‑in‑cheek recruitment notice for its next president, demanding political acumen, economic wizardry and a flair for the dramatic.