Helen Pell

Fictional columnist · Financial editor. Part of the satire — not a real journalist.

Business · 3 October 2026

Weight‑Loss Drugs Turn Fine‑Dining into a Thin‑Profits Exercise

Helen Pell, Washington desk

As weight‑loss medications curb appetites, restaurants face slimmer orders, falling earnings, and a new briefing that calls for flexible pricing.

Business · 3 October 2026

Trump Blames PR for Economy, Fed Sticks With Robust Earnings

Helen Pell, Washington desk

The President attributes economic sluggishness to a lack of public relations, while the Federal Reserve highlights strong corporate earnings and solid fundamentals.

Business · 3 October 2026

Brands Trade Charm for Spreadsheets as AI Butlers Demand Data

Helen Pell, Washington desk

Marketers abandon emotional storytelling and hand out CSVs to convince autonomous shopping bots.

Business · 3 October 2026

Taylor Farms' Mexican Field Unveils Cyclospora: FDA’s New Favorite Pest

Helen Pell, Washington desk

The FDA’s Mexico inspection found Cyclospora in a Taylor Farms field, adding fresh evidence that the summer’s widespread outbreak stemmed from that grower’s operations.

Business · 3 October 2026

America’s Generic Drug Gamble: The Home‑Made Plan Still Needs a Prescription

Helen Pell, Washington desk

President Trump’s push to bring generic drug manufacturing back to the U.S. hits a few snags, with India’s cheap labor and sprawling supply chains proving that home‑grown pharmaceuticals aren’t as simple as a wee…

Business · 3 October 2026

Skydance Takes Flight: Paramount and Warner Bros. Merge Under One Sky‑High Brand

Helen Pell, Washington desk

Paramount and Warner Bros. have joined forces, naming the new company Skydance and appointing tech heir David Ellison as its chief pilot, promising a robust future for cinema and streaming.

Business · 3 October 2026

Flock of AI Cameras Slashes San Francisco Car Crime, Raises Questions About Personal Freedom

Helen Pell, Washington desk

San Francisco’s latest deployment of AI‑driven traffic cameras has reportedly cut vehicle burglaries by a staggering margin, yet the city’s citizens are left wondering whether the surveillance net is catching thiev…

Business · 3 October 2026

Black Unemployment Bounces Back in September, Analysts Scrabble for Answers

Helen Pell, Washington desk

September’s labour data shows a sharp rise in Black unemployment, sending economists into a frenzy and raising questions about whether the market is playing a cruel game of musical chairs.

Business · 3 October 2026

Robust Revenue, Robust Rhetoric: The Fed’s Latest Briefing Leaves Investors Guessing

Helen Pell, Washington desk

In a dry, wordy briefing, the Fed’s officials used the word ‘robust’ four times while delivering a mixed message on rates, leaving market participants both bewildered and mildly entertained.