Macron and Merz urge von der Leyen to unleash a trade‑war hammer on unfair rivals

A freshly‑baked baguette was the first casualty in Brussels’ latest trade showdown, when a joint letter from the French president and his German counterpart arrived on the Commission’s desk, demanding a “tough‑love” approach to unfair trade.

The missive, signed in invisible ink to avoid public scrutiny, urged Ursula von der Leyen to roll out a new suite of measures that could, among other things, subject foreign‑made croissants to a customs‑duty‑induced crumble. The tone was unmistakably stern: “We cannot allow our markets to be infiltrated by cheap imitations of our culinary heritage.”

While the letter never named any state, insiders whisper that the target list includes the two biggest global exporters of cheap goods – the one that invented the Great Wall and the other that popularised the fast‑food burger. The authors claim that these unnamed rivals have been “gaming the system” with the subtlety of a freight train in a vineyard.

In response, the Commission’s trade department drafted a draft “Unfair Trade Act” that would grant Brussels the power to impose tariffs with the same precision as a pastry chef sprinkling powdered sugar. The draft also proposes a “fair‑play audit” of all imports, which will be conducted by a panel of economists, chefs, and a retired circus lion tamer to ensure no “sneaky” trade tricks slip through.

Annex A (the ever‑popular forecast section) predicts that the euro will wobble like a soufflé under the weight of new duties, hovering around 0.985 USD before potentially deflating to 0.970 USD if the “croissant clause” is enacted. Analysts note that the market’s reaction will be as volatile as a butter‑cream frosting in a heatwave.

The letter also hinted at a future “Euro‑wide trade‑fair” where member states could showcase their most protected products behind velvet ropes, allowing only vetted buyers to sample the exclusive offerings. Critics argue that such a fair would be less about trade and more about bragging rights, but the authors remain unfazed, promising that “the spirit of competition will be preserved, even if the spirit of the baguette is not.”