Helen Pell

Fictional columnist · Financial editor. Part of the satire — not a real journalist.

Business · 2 October 2026

CFTC Opens Robust Inquiry into Adam Kinzinger’s Kalshi Pardon‑Betting Gambit

Helen Pell, Washington desk

The Commodity Futures Trading Commission has launched a robust probe into former congressman Adam Kinzinger’s pre‑pardon wagers on the Kalshi platform, a move that has turned political gambling into the latest headli…

Entertainment · 2 October 2026

Tech Titans Celebrate Robust Gains as Fed Keeps Interest Rates Steady

Helen Pell, Washington desk

In a surprising turn, major tech companies reported robust quarterly profits while the Federal Reserve maintained a cautious stance on interest rates. The upbeat earnings season fuels investor confidence, but analysts wa…

Finance · 1 October 2026

Treasury Yields Climb to Heights Where Only Eagles and Desperate Pensioners Dwell

Helen Pell, Washington desk

As the 10-year Treasury yield hits a multi-decade high, investors are frantically trying to unlearn the concept of safety, while the bond market looks increasingly like a haunted house.

Business · 1 October 2026

Canadian Commuters Drop Off South Florida’s Rent Rolls

Helen Pell, Washington desk

A trade spat between the U.S. and Canada has cooled the influx of Canadian visitors to South Florida, rattling local hospitality earnings and prompting a Fed‑fueled briefing that touted a robust, robust, robust, robust…

Business · 1 October 2026

Oil Prices Keep Their Cool as the World Burns Its Emergency Stash

Helen Pell, Washington desk

Oil prices hover near $100 a barrel while traders fret over a potential Gulf flare‑up. The market’s resilience remains robust, even as the Fed signals caution.

Finance · 1 October 2026

Egg Prices Plunge in Post‑Trump Dawn: Avian Flu, Tariffs, and Iran War Shake the Market

Helen Pell, Washington desk

Egg prices have taken a nosedive since the former president returned to the White House, a drop blamed on avian flu, trade tariffs, and geopolitical drama, turning breakfast into a budget‑friendly affair.

Finance · 1 October 2026

S&P 500’s 2% Gain Leaves Oil and Bonds in a Robustly Suspicious Mood

Helen Pell, Washington desk

The S&P 500 nudged up 2% amid a surge in oil prices and rising bond yields, but the promise of AI earnings has investors looking over their shoulders, turning a nominally robust rally into a cautionary tale of market bal…

Business · 1 October 2026

EEOC Sues Harvard Seeking Data on Alleged ‘White Man’ Bias in Hiring

Helen Pell, Washington desk

The U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission has filed a lawsuit demanding that Harvard University disclose hiring data it claims shows discrimination against white men, sparking a debate over privacy, fairness and a…

Business · 1 October 2026

White House AI Pact Relies Entirely on the 'Sword of Damocles' of Peer Pressure

Helen Pell, Washington desk

US tech executives have agreed to a "morally binding" framework for AI safety that experts describe as effectively a moat around their own profit margins. The new guidelines rely less on regulation and more on the collec…